Padang bai and the blue lagoon

Defo worth a visit. Padang bai is the little harbour town that you catch the slow boat to Lombok from. Its little harbour is full of boats and some funky little cafes line the small beach. But the jewels are the little cove called the blue lagoon on the left, and to the right of the harbour, white sands beach. I owe dan shiedow a months free accommodation in the uk for telling me about this spot. They both have a really cheap little warung for excellent food and the nicest little beaches I have seen. The snorkelling is amazing. Just of the beach you find coral and thousands of brightly coloured fish, some small some huge. I came face to face with a moray eel, and swam with turtles. Amazing. Met some awesome people too. I was talking about you stracky to a very old Flemish Belgian called John. The first thing he asked was were you French or Flemish. Then he pulled a face when I told him! I even met a genuine Sioux Indian from San Fransisco and a German Gandhi!

I don't know where this month has gone. When I got here I was thinking well, its OK, but maybe a month was too long. Second week I thought its nice, but I wouldn't want to live here. Third week, I could stay. The little hotel, Kumbar Inn, seems to just hold on to nice people. No one wants to leave and its just a complete family feel, drinking round one big table and ending up doing everything together. Very sad to leave all the people. Highlight of the trip and everything I assumed Bali was before I got here.

Top ten tips Bali

1. If you are a normal average surfer, I.e not Kelly Slater or Jon Jon, then you can probably surf just well enough to get in a fuck load of trouble out here. Most of the well known breaks are board breakers and leash snappers at head high. Medewi was my favourite wave, a very long left point break with some interesting sections. Somewhere on the east coast there is a secret spot that is exactly like medewi but a right hander. I'm not telling though. Find it for yourself. If you are not super humanly fit, head to medewi. You have to buy a t shirt if you want to surf the point but it helps the village and you get a new t shirt so dont be tight. Kuta beach as a surf spot is a bit crap. Wind gets up and on it by 12. If you don't bring your own boards do your self a favour and bring your own (new) leash. Also double up on the little nylon cords. It might save you a 30 minute smashing buy 8 foot walls of white water as you get washed the 2 km from uluwatu to padang padang, and then the 3k walk back to your moped on burning hot roads in bare feet. (This happened to an Aussie mate of mine). Airport reef kuta is worth a look. If the winds right :-) ) remember that in do is the land of the left. So don't be a twat like me and turn right into a barrelling left, it hurts.

2. Do NOT buy souvenir shit in kuta, seminak, or ubud. Its way too expensive by Balinese standards. Go to the kumbasari market in denpasar. It stinks there and when you first get there you think shit, this is hell on earth. But haggle hard, they got some nice stuff. And remember that although you chuck your 50,000 notes around like nothing because its only £3.50, that's a shed load of money to the locals and they will get it off you if they can. Offer ridiculously low priced for stuff because its not actually ridiculously low. Big Buddha wood carvings that cost about 80 - 100 quid in the UK are actually about £7 here. That super expensive art shop in ubud with all its hippy Buddhist carvings just went to kumbasari market with a van and paid next to nothing for his stock.

3. Eat and drink like a local. Its western coffees and stuff that costs a fortune  but the local stuff is fine at 50p a cup. If you hanker for a western coffee go to the circle k stores. Their coffee machine is bloody brilliant.

4. Getting around. rent a motorbike its the only way to go. Traffic is horrendous here. Its 10 times worse than Morocco. BUT you have to be a little mad, and reckless. NOT riding like a crazy local can get you in to trouble here. Everyone expects you to do the crazy shit and if you are all prissy and careful and I want to be safe and that shit, you are liable to get a very old lorry wedged deeply into your ass. Its like being in one big motorcycle gang here, just go with the pack. You can rent bikes everywhere here. Haggle. I got a scooter for 30,000 and a bugger 200cc bike for 80,000 a day (100,000 is about £7 remember). GET AN INTERNATIONAL DRIVING LICENCE before you come over here. In Bali, to be a policeman, you have to PAY a lot of money. Its like £10,000 which is a quarter of the price of a house over here. They ain't interested in your policing skills, just your cash. So EVERY SINGLE copper is bent, and trying to claw back his outlay. You will be stopped 4 or 5 times a day if you are on a run across the island. As long as you have your IDL and your bike papers are in date ( check when you rent it, they are under the seat) they can't do shit. If they try to get you on traffic offences because they want the bribe, get their number and take photos of them. They hate that, and will probably let you go. They are interested in the easy money. They don't like hassle.

5. Once you have done the tat shops, bars and eateries in kuta and alike, get out of town! Once in the country the costal and mountain roads are great for beaning around on your scooter. Wear a helmet on the main roads and take it off if you want on the back roads. If its the rainy season, always have a poncho. It rains at night here and for an hour or so in late afternoon. In the little villages you find on your travels, most warungs ( local food places) have rooms for as little as 50,000 rupiah (3.50)

6. There is no weed in Bali. If you are offered it, don't bother, its just dried leaves. Penalties for it are so severe its just not worth having the real stuff to the locals. You can get it on Gilly t though, because there are no coppers on the island. Mushrooms are the legal high here. But they ain't no English shroom, so you can take much more than you would dare to at home for a light hit.

7. If the girl in the red dress shows an interest when you walk into the bar, she is a prostitute. 500,000 it will cost you. Do NOT have a sexy massage. It will cost you your wallet and bank cards. Most of the hip bars in kuta are on jl RYA legian. Don't bother with the bounty it will be a pissed up Aussie cock fest. Go to the sky garden. If you are old like me there is a good cinema in the mall right beside poppies 2, opposite kuta beach. But the massage parlours ( there are hundreds on every main street ) are all above board. £3.50 for an hour body massage and then nasi gorang after a surf. Heaven! Also, bintang beer is awesome.

8. Go and see tanah lot, uluwatu temple, and if you are in ubud, go to the monkey forest. Its only a quid. Also if you only have time to see one Balinese dance, make it the fire dance. Do not go and see the bat cave temple, its shit. If you do the volcano trek for the sunrise over lake batur, don't be a Russian and wear flip flops. Its fucking hard going for about an hour and a half in the dark. Gitgit waterfalls are nice. But o thought lovenia was a bit shit. The big attraction here is the dolphins. But they are shit dolphins (not like flipper) and there are only 7 of them. So as soon as they get spotted they are swamped by 100 boats full of fat Japanese who want to eat them. Padang bai is a harbour town in the east and the next bay over is the blue lagoon, and is good for snorkelling.

9. Places to eat / stay.
Pop hotel kuta. 20 quid a night, pool, aircon and super clean. Not many westerners though. I have also heard that Uns is really good too.
The balcony kuta. Top little restaurant owned by an ex pro surfer so I'm told. Have the bandanna pancakes. Awesome.
Bali summer restaurant kuta. Nice cheap food. Steak or a whole grilled red snapper for a fiver or less. And my mate Tommy murders some of the well known pop songs after 7pm.
The riverside restaurant ubud. Cheap local type of joint but really good.
Inda lodge ubud. A range of little villas from as little as 10 pound a night, run by yan , an old Dutch chap. He knows all the ins and outs so don't ignore his tips. Email him direct for the best deals.
Warung gedes in medewi. Super cheap food right on the beach next to pee pees surf shack. They have rooms too, from as little as £3.50 a night. Board rentals from pee pee are 80,000 a day. If you want to go up market you can have kirras surf villa to your self with amet, your very own man Friday for 30 quid a night. Email info@medewi and speak to dewa to book. There are also some villas near the Bali bakery in denpasar that you can get for 120 quid a month.

10. Buy a flight. Its 750 quid from the UK but fucking cheap when you get here. If you are on your own check out WWW.couchsurfer.com . you might be able to hook up with other lonesome travellers.

kuta

I'm back in kuta for a few days and kind of regretting the decision. Made quite a few friends including locals in medewi. right now I'm trying to decide whether to take the fast boat to gilli t, or head up to the blue lagoon just beyond padang bai, and then on to the secret right hand point break that Dan and mark told me about. I'm also considering heading back to medewi for a few more days before the 30th. I never got to meet dans in laws and see their village! Tonight though I'm going to sample the night life in kuta with a trip to sky garden. In the mean time enjoy a few pics of medewi and ubud.

Medewi

OK I'm crashed out down in medewi. Limited internet I'm afraid but the pad is pretty cool
I have it all to my self, two big air conditioned bedrooms and an outside top deck living space with a view of one of the the surf breaks. Surfed yesterday, bit windy, but this morning was 3-5 glass. Went down to medewi proper and surfed the left down there. There were about 10 people out including two Japanese pensioners ( a man and his wife, they live here apparently). The locals were pretty sick, pulling airs and getting barrelled. Then, two firsts for me. Caught a wave, left hand turn, and it just chucked right over me. I did absolutely nothing but look left and crouch. One second later I'm drinking sea water and I feel the leash go tight , and ping! The second first. Leash snap. I'm stuck, miles out from the rocky beach and I don't even have a wetsuit on for the added buoyancy. rentals. Im afraid i swore for the first time in 2013. So I tread water and wander what to do!! If I'm honest I'm shitting myself at this point. So, I start swimming toward the beach thinking that I would never make it. We were miles out..... I'm defo going to do some sea swimming this summer. Luckily a french rastafarian tattooed rob machado lookalike spots that I'm swimming and my board is already on the beach, paddles over, introduces himself, says his name is nick, and shakes hands. Then we paddle his board in together just like Brodie and the oceanographer at the end of jaws. I owe that man more than one beer. We got half way in and his mate catches up with us on his longboard so nick gives me his board, and jumps on the back of the long board paddling it like a tandem. It was a very long paddle.

So then I go over to the hire guy pee pee. To be fair he was a pretty nice guy and had been surfing with me all morning. Blocking people when he thought the wave was just right for me. So I say man, that leash must have been knackered. He says sorry, it happens all the time with the longer boards here, and that he had spotted me, and saw that someone was helping me out. Then he charges me 10 quid for the leash! The locals have a little surf scene going on and its only a village, so you have to buy a t shirt off the club if you want to surf it for a few days but defo worth it.

Got out again today and it was even bigger. Medewi is a bitch to get out of at low. Its so rocky. But perfect takeoff section, bit like polz, or  then workable, then if you are lucky the last section gives you a small barrel, but by this time you are in four foot of water over boulders. Paddle out is dry hair because its a point so you can paddle round it but the distance is like paddling from saunton beach to down end point. Met a couple of top Aussies, Dan and Mark. Dan is married to a local girl and tomorrow I'm off to meet her mum and see her village. Should get some really nice photos. So the evenings has consisted of drinking and eating with them at the local warung. I stitched up a French girls foot this morning too, and I cut myself up a bit on the rocks. Unfortunately its going to eight foot faces tomorrow so I might have a massage instead. But they have told me of a little secret spot in the east that is just like medewi but a right hand point. I might head up that way in a few days and see if I can score it.

From what I have learnt, land prices here beach front are about 4k per 100 square metres so a big plot, and then a rather nice house built would set you back 40 k. Im also considering putting a Balinese cook in my luggage for my Cornish Balinese cafe. Dans wife tells me she used to work in the warung we are always eating in, and worked 15 hours a day, with one day off a month, for a monthly salary of 28 quid. Also, if I want to move to Australia, I should consider living in Byron bay, because by the sound of it, its right up my street.

charlie dont surf

I'm leaving ubud today which is cool because I have seen enough of it and want to get back to the coast. If you come over anytime I think 4 days in ubud is plenty. Its full of jewellery, carving, art and craft shops and the centre for Balinese dance. The fire dance is the one to see. At the end someone dressed up with a fake emu like Bernie Clifton kicks some hot coals about. There are a lot of cafes and bars here too which suited me. The food was good, a bit more expensive than kuta but you can find the tucked away place and eat nasi goerang and have a bandanna smoothie for 3.50. I still haven't beat a little place in kuta called the balcony for food and prices yet though. That place was amazing.

I did visit the monkey forest in the end. I wasn't going to but ended up outside it and it was only a quid to go in. There are lots of monkeys. Surprise! My top tip is to locate a Japanese tourist with a bottle of water on show or sticking out of his bag. The monkeys zero right in on it and the map tries to defend himself with low kicks and ninja grunts. Its hilarious.

I'm heading down to medewi today. Got a little apartment on the beach so hopefully there will be some surf sessions in the bank. Got four days there at the moment but if the surf is on I'll extend it to 12 and then just have the last two days before the flight in kuta. Hopefully they will have a computer so I can transfer some pictures over! And no rich, I'm not missing Robson greens extreme fishing.

Gday bruce

I'm in ubud for the next few days. Can't put pics up at the moment because I don't have anywhere to transfer them. Staying in a little villa in a complex of 8 ran by an old Dutch guy who walks like he is busting for a wee. My next door neighbour is a 62 year old Aussie hippie called Bruce who only wears a saarong. He is pretty cool but man we have had some conversations. We are debating the idea of Chi at the moment. I also told him that all his hippy organic ways and attempt to change the planet ( he is a soil scientist ) is doomed to failure due to 1/100 of the population suffering from cynical psychopathy and the likelyhood that this percentage of the population gain an abnormally high social standing ( in politics and business ) his head nearly exploded contemplating the implications. Hippies. He also informed me he is dyslexic but he keeps telling me he can stalk a fox. Not too sure that's a transferable skill that would impress an employer.
I went to lake bratan and lovinia on the led. Met a nice policeman ( which makes a change ) and chilled out with them for a bit so he could practice his English. He absolutely loved it. Nice guy. I then got up at 1.30 in the morning to climb a volcano in the dark. It killed me, it really did. On the way up I thought my heart was going to explode and on the way down I thought my knee was going to implode. Nice view, but was it worth it? No way!!!!
I have also got through January to this point without swearing. Can you believe that? And after the volcano this morning I'm packing in fags just before the flight home. Joe won't know what hit him.

I've been here a while now. The surroundings are beautiful. Some of the shanti towns remind me of morroco though, but the locals are awesome. Hindu not Muslim eh. I've seen quite a few beaches and I can honestly say, whilst they are lovely and the water is warm, I think north Cornwall is better. Its impossible to take a really nice photo without some eyesore or a bit of litter. But having said that, the food is great, the people are great, rice paddies, bannana plants and coconut trees are great, and bintang is amazing. Ian, my new plan is to open a Balinese coffee shop and restaurant in Cornwall. And after reading Ron Jonson's checklist for a psychopath, I think you may be right, I'm a little bit bipolar.

Matt out.

Holy bat cave!

Past two days the surf at kuta has been totally blown out. So I've been exploring the east side. Went over to tanah lot yesterday and got caught in a monsoon on the way back. I was soaked. Today it was nice and sunny so rod we up to the orchid gardens then on to candisa for some lunch. Stopped off on the way at the bat cave temple but to be honest it was a bit crap. And I got done by the law again! They are like the Asian version of CHIPS but their bikes are piddly. Had a foot chat with some locals at a garage though, and cat poo coffee and a long discussion with sanjay over the pros and cons of the nexus 7 vs the kindle fire!

tanah lot

Well, one or two of my Facebook friends have been worried that I havnt been surfing enough so they will be glad to know that I had a nice little session yesterday morning at kuta. No barrel yet but there is plenty of time. All lefthanders and short rides but I wasn't wearing a wettie so fuck it. After that I hit the spa for an hour massage. For a midget she was chuffing heavy and had hands like clamps. don't worry black pants, it was a reputable spa that I found in the lonely planet guide book. I have been offered many many 'sexy' massages but the women offering them are anti sex trade adverts in their own right. If all barmaids looked like it there would be no need for alcoholics anonymous.
Got the ped out late afternoon and did the ten mile trek to tanah lot. I'll pop some pics on later. On the way back it pissed down. I look pretty good on a moped in my shorts wearing a PVC shaul and a red helmet with no visor. Not. I have also seen some very large penis bottle openers. I'm thinking of buying one for hooper.

Ulu watu

I got hold of a moped yesterday for 3.50 a day. Got pulled by police of course, for not wearing my helmet but they let me off. Beaning around on a scooter I burnt my face and wrists!! I headed to uluwatu. The temple was pretty spectacular.
Then headed down to ulu watu beach and got chatted up by mustang sally. After that I hobbnobbed it with the rich and famous at Nusa dua . I'm sure I saw Kelly Slater.

Today I have had my morning run on kuta beach and I'm off to find a spa. After that its tanah lot......

The eagle has landed

Well I made it. 17 hours on a plane is a long time, and made the connection in Seoul with minutes to spare (I spent 3 of them in the smoking room). Hotel is clean and cheap. Kuta is as one would expect but Balinese coffee and bintang are both hits. Had a stroll down kuta beach which was cool, and wondered around poppies. Pictures to follow, when I figure out how to get them from the camera to this nexus 7. Damn micro usb's! Think l have avoided the jet lag with lucky timing. Now I need a motorcycle rental.....
And apparently holmsey is 8000 miles away